The Covenant people tend to have a “we” consciousness. The good of the relationship itself comes first and the needs of the partner are second and the individual needs are third. The covenant only works if each partner, as best as possible, puts the other’s needs above his or her own, with the understanding that the other will reciprocate.
The underlying truth of a Covenantal Regime is that you have to close off choice if you want to get to the promised land. The people one sees in long, successful marriages have walked the stations of vulnerability. They’ve overthrown the proud ego and learned to be utterly dependent on the other. They’ve faced the ways they are difficult to be with and tried to address them. They’ve gone through all the normal episodes of confession, apology, defensiveness, forgiveness and loving the other most when there’s nothing lovely about them.
You only do all this if you’ve set up a framework in which exit is not an easy option, in which you’re assured the other person’s love is not going away, and in which the only way to survive the crises is to go deeper into the relationship itself.
The final feature of a covenant is that the relationship is not just about itself; it serves some larger purpose. The obvious one in many cases is raising children. But the deeper one is transformation. People in such a covenant try to love the other in a way that brings out their loveliness. They hope that through this service they’ll become a slightly less selfish version of themselves.
Your 60-Second Question: How much is your marriage founded on such a covenant understanding?
- For some (or perhaps many) today, a marriage founded on a covenant understanding seems old fashioned or naive–it means “giving up” too much of self when our culture increasingly values maximizing personal choice. How do you respond?
- The Bible presents marriage in the context of covenant; if one is a Christian, how might one’s faith help sustain that covenant understanding through difficult times?
- What specific action(s) might you take to more fully live out your marriage as covenant?
In a society that often settles for easy answers, my 60-second Question posts are mini-voyages in self-discovery. They invite you to take just 60 seconds out of your day to ponder a question that may offer new insights into yourself, God and the world around us. You might be surprised with the new insights or feelings generated by pondering a thought-provoking question for just 60 seconds.
