When might our family members or friends benefit from casual coaching from us?
I’ve coined a new term “casual coaching” to describe such interactions, because in most cases they will not be understood or perceived as a coaching relationship. Indeed, your teenager, spouse or close friend might even be offended if they knew you were trying to coach them: “What? You’re trying to coach me? What makes you think I needed any coaching?”
So, how might we actually help those nearest and dearest to us through “casual” coaching?
Let’s begin with a definition of coaching. Here’s one I like: “Coaching is an ongoing intentional conversation that empowers a person or group to fully live out God’s calling.”
Granted, not everyone has the goal to “fully live out God’s calling” but that’s a topic for a future article. I believe every human being desires health and wholeness, creativity and productivity, to love and be loved. We all have these desires or callings deep within us (however we understand how they came to be). I suggest that whenever we help another take even a small step toward human wholeness, we are helping him or her live out God’s calling in their life (whether we, or they, or both of us, actually believe in God or not).
So, for this discussion, let’s focus only on “an intentional conversation that empowers.”
One of the most empowering ways we can help another is to intentionally ask good questions. Questions empower because they help a person see and act in new ways. Offering advice—even good advice—(and don’t we all assume our advice is good advice?) closes things down. Questions open things up. Questions increase energy. Best of all, questions leave the initiative with the person—we cannot solve their problems for them.
Here are just a few situations where casual coaching can be extremely helpful to family and friends:
I’ve coined a new term “casual coaching” to describe such interactions, because in most cases they will not be understood or perceived as a coaching relationship. Indeed, your teenager, spouse or close friend might even be offended if they knew you were trying to coach them: “What? You’re trying to coach me? What makes you think I needed any coaching?”
So, how might we actually help those nearest and dearest to us through “casual” coaching?
Let’s begin with a definition of coaching. Here’s one I like: “Coaching is an ongoing intentional conversation that empowers a person or group to fully live out God’s calling.”
Granted, not everyone has the goal to “fully live out God’s calling” but that’s a topic for a future article. I believe every human being desires health and wholeness, creativity and productivity, to love and be loved. We all have these desires or callings deep within us (however we understand how they came to be). I suggest that whenever we help another take even a small step toward human wholeness, we are helping him or her live out God’s calling in their life (whether we, or they, or both of us, actually believe in God or not).
So, for this discussion, let’s focus only on “an intentional conversation that empowers.”
One of the most empowering ways we can help another is to intentionally ask good questions. Questions empower because they help a person see and act in new ways. Offering advice—even good advice—(and don’t we all assume our advice is good advice?) closes things down. Questions open things up. Questions increase energy. Best of all, questions leave the initiative with the person—we cannot solve their problems for them.
Here are just a few situations where casual coaching can be extremely helpful to family and friends:
They are stuck.
It might be stuck in a self-defeating behavior, dead-end situation or unfulfilling relationship. Good questions help change assumptions or beliefs about what’s possible—they throw open the blinds to let in more light. Good questions help clarify what they really want—are there other ways to achieve it instead of banging their head against this particular wall?
They feel alone.
Often coaching is extremely helpful to individuals who have no one to help them process their conflicting ideas and emotions. This may be a friend who feels she cannot discuss an important issue with her grown daughter or a spouse facing a complicated situation at work. Good questions challenge endless internal feedback loops and offer emotional support. Often my work as a pastor left me facing situations I could talk with few people about; in those situations, my wife was my coach.
Often coaching is extremely helpful to individuals who have no one to help them process their conflicting ideas and emotions. This may be a friend who feels she cannot discuss an important issue with her grown daughter or a spouse facing a complicated situation at work. Good questions challenge endless internal feedback loops and offer emotional support. Often my work as a pastor left me facing situations I could talk with few people about; in those situations, my wife was my coach.
They want to grow.
They may want to develop new skills, change their approach at work or find new friends. Moving to a new level is often not about trying harder, but rather trying in a different way. Good questions can open up these new possibilities. (See my ebookWhen Trying Harder Becomes the Problem: Overcoming a Paradoxical Barrier to Successful Change)
As we think about asking empowering questions, a key is to insure they are open and not closed.
Closed questions can be answered “yes” or “no.”
- Do you agree with this approach?
- Did you have a nice day at school?
- Does your wife agree with you?
Open questions cannot be answered with “yes” or “no.” They require reflection and further conversation.
- What possible approaches have you considered?
- What happened at school today?
- What does your wife think about it?
At times we all fall into the trap of viewing coaching as guiding someone to the “right” decision rather than empowering them to explore options and make their owndecision. If we are too savvy to give overt advice (“This is the right decision for you”), we can still give advice but hide it in the questions we ask.
Examples:
Closed question: Are you planning to get another bank loan to fund your business?
Open question: What are your options to finance your business?
Open question: What are your options to finance your business?
Closed question: Could Roger help you with that problem at work?
Open question: Who on your team might be able to help with that problem at work?
Good questions approach a situation from many viewpoints, like the 360 degrees on a compass.
Often the power of questions is broadening perspective and increasing insights from new angles. Such questions work best if the coach first briefly summarizes the conversation so far (to reassure the person that you have been listening to them). Then ask a question like these:
- Result
- What result would you like to have from this situation?
- What do you hope to achieve?
- Interpersonal
- What are the relational dynamics in this situation?
- How do people’s feelings or attitudes play into what you’ve told me?
- Cultural
- How might your workplace culture influence what you have told me?
- How does your family normally respond to such issues?
- Emotions (Tip: don’t ask “how do you feel about…?” as most people answer such questions with ideas, not feelings; instead, ask them to name their emotions)
- What emotions are you experiencing as you contemplate going off to college?
- How might you describe your emotional state right now?
- Inner change
- What changes do you need to make?
- How might you handle this differently next time?
- Spiritual
- From a spiritual perspective, what do you see happening here?
- What might your faith speak to this situation?
- What’s next? (Tip: asking “why?” questions is often counter-productive as they may force simplistic answers or premature judgments before the situation is fully explored. Also, people often don’t know why—that itself is the issue!)
- What are the first steps you will take to address this?
- What factors will you consider as you begin moving forward?
“Transformation comes more from pursuing profound questions than seeking practical answers.” (Peter Block)
We all have friends and family who occasionally confide in us. Instead of giving advice, we can listen carefully and then casually coach them by asking good questions designed to:
- Expand their thinking
- Help them discover new aspects about their situation
- Offer them wider perspective and see things in new ways
- Give them more options for change
Our casual coaching will empower our friends and family with new insights and deeper understanding of themselves and their situation, which will lead them to better decisions.
