One of the most emotionally moving worship services I have ever attended was two years ago. It was a Service of Remembrance for children lost through miscarriage by women in the MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) group that met at the church. The service began with the women placing paper bag luminaries they had made all across the front of the darkened chapel. As I sat in the front row watching the candlelight flicker inside the bags, I could read the words the Moms had written on the outside—the names of lost babies and phrases like “We’ll never forget you” and “You’ll always be in our hearts.” I told my wife later that evening I didn’t know I’d even been in a room with more emotional anguish.
A year went by and I was again asked to offer a message at the annual Service of Remembrance. During the intervening 12 months, we lost our first grandchild to a still birth five months into the pregnancy. Now I knew a little of what everyone there had experienced. I was no longer completely outside their pain.
I cringe as I remember how my church used to handle Mother’s Day years earlier. We gave out flowers and asked mothers to stand, beginning with the oldest and ending with the most recent mothers. What must it have felt like for some women to remain seated through all this? Of course, we ended by saying, “And now everyone who has had a mother, please stand”—but I’m sure the knife had long since been twisted in the hearts of women like those I met at the Service of Remembrance.
A friend who years ago shared her concern about Mothers Day insensitivity wrote me recently:
I think I was prompted in this concern a few years ago when my husband and I were about to join his parents and family with our daughters and their families, including several grandchildren at the country club for Mother’s day brunch. A woman in our church was sitting by herself, and I went up to talk with her, and she shared that neither of her children would have anything to do with her. The story was long and complex, but this friend had just sat thru a worship centered on Mother’s day tributes and she was hitting rock bottom over her grief, and shame and guilt. The rest of my day was haunted by her sorrow…
So who might we also remember on Mother’s Day? My friend suggested these groups:
- women who have suffered a miscarriage or still birth
- women who have buried one or more children, especially women who have buried their only child
- women who have never had children, whether married or not, but who desperately wanted them
- women who are estranged from children, through fractured relationships or custody decisions
- women who have failed their children, who are abusers, trapped by their additions or violence
- women who have given up a child, or more than one, for adoption
- women who grieve having chosen an abortion
There are many ways Mom can be celebrated outside of worship without making Mother’s Day services an emotional hurdle for more women than we realize to overcome each year. If you go to worship this Mother’s day, think about these things. If change is needed, speak with your pastor about alternative ideas for next year.
Question: How do you react to the needs of others on Mother’s Day? Are my thoughts an over-reaction? Please share a comment.
For many years, I was one of those women on Mothers’ Day who was childless, and it made me very sad. Thanks for thinking of this.
Thanks so much for sharing, Debbi. I’m very sure other readers can relate to your experience.
My daughter has been subjected to cruel comments all her adult life.
“Why don’t you have children?”
“What’s wrong with you?”
“What a waste of your life.”
There was a time of sadness a few years ago after the removal of an ovary; however, how she responds in this way:
“When I get to heaven I’ll have lots of children.”
“I’m a child of God, and I’m childlike so I relate to children and they relate to me.” (This is so, so true!)
“You don’t have to be a mother to have the mothering instinct.”
“I mother lots of people who aren’t my children.”
“My profession is to care for the elderly and I mother them each and every day.”
Oh how I Relate! I’ve experienced the same heart ache!
I wanted Children for as long as I can remember. My Husband was injured 2 years after we married and was not able to give me that Child. I have sat through Mothers Day services with mixed feelings. One of gratitude for my Mother and sadness over my not knowing what it’s really like to have the honor of being a Mom.
Sad beyond words.
I have children, now grown, who lost their mother at an early age to cancer. I know that Mother’s day was and is a painful experience for them. However, I doubt that they would say that we should not celebrate Mother’s day.
Your posting reminded me of a Mother’s day celebration at a very poor, rural church in Guatemala years that I attended years ago. After the normal 2 plus hour worship service, the congregation celebrated mothers day in a very festive manner that probably went on for another hour. Poor women in Guatemala lose a significant percentage of their children before the age of 5, and many children grow up without mothers. I am certain that many of these women and children had experienced such losses. Guatemalans wear the best that they have to church, and at least several of the ladies had no shoes. They really seemed to enjoy the celebration. Almost any holiday is a painful experience to some portion of the celebrants. We need to be very respectful of that, but we need to have these celebrations in any case. It is a difficult problem.
Thank you for posting this Rich. Mother’s Day is now very bittersweet for me after losing my own mom just two years ago. I miss her so, but still feel mothers should be honored. I am also one of those who longed to have children but never did since I never married. There are times that I feel we childless women are made to feel like second-class citizens because of that. Often, some of my own friends have made me feel that way by saying cruel things like, “oh you wouldn’t know what we’re talking about since you are not a mom.” But, I choose not to be bitter. It wasn’t in God’s will for my life. All that to say, I feel it is right to honor mothers. Having been blessed with the most wonderful mom, they deserve this honor. But, I do agree that all women should be honored on this special day as well.
Kristi, thanks for sharing both sides of the issue from your perspective. Blessings!
Thank you Rich. I’m a former member of V.First Pres. A friend sent me this. I now live in the bay area. Last year we lost our baby boy 5 months into the pregnancy. The loss of your grandchild is all too familiar. I truly appreciate these words of consideration and understanding. We are 10 weeks from having our 2nd baby girl. We are happy with the joys life has brought us, but this Mother’s Day does also remind me of the pain. Thank you.
Gina, yes I remember you! Thanks for sharing your experience.
Thanks for your words on this topic, Rich. And no, you are not over reacting. I have heard from women who avoid church on Mother’s Day because it is just too painful. I still grieve over infertility at times, although adoption was a blessing to us in the end. Let’s celebrate all women in our public worship services. Thankfully, Stephen has been very sensitive to this issue. ? Hi to Marilyn!
Dear Rich,
Thank you for this article.
Each person’s struggle is of course unique. During our quite public 12 years of experiencing infertility including miscarriages, I felt surrounded by compassionate love ❤️ and acceptance at First Pres in Visalia. Still, many Mothers’ Days I avoided attending church for many years because the experience you described here was too painful for me. Until, and I think I remember the moment I learned of this change: ALL women were receiving a flower upon entering the sanctuary on Mother’s Day, in order to honor their own mother. ?While this was certainly more inclusive and sensitive towards people in situations similar to mine, it still may have been painful for some who have had painful relationships with their mothers… We all have unique issues and circumstances we struggle with in this life, right?
I believe that the intention of celebrating Mothers’ Day at church is loving and honorable. Knowing you and Marilyn and members of the session personally, I am sure that these traditions and changes were based on: 1. our collective understanding of God’s amazing love, and 2. a sincere appreciation for all the wonderful daily gifts that mothers give. We know that “the greatest of these is LOVE”, and “there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I appreciate your sensitive heart and your careful way of explaining truth and love.
You did hit a nerve here, Rich! And you spoke the truth in love, as usual. I too want to comment on the sensitivity to all these issues as they were addressed at V.F.P. last Sunday. All women, and even girls, were honored as people who have “mothered” someone in their lives. The mothering instinct is so strong that it encompasses and extends to anyone who needs love and care. Most women are especially good at that kind of love – it just comes naturally. Pastor Stephen even mentioned the fact that some of us might not have had a great relationship with our mom, but we’ve all known some woman who helped us get through life. We’re celebrating that! I came away thinking that any woman would have felt comfortable, if not honored, in that service. I was infertile for 5 years, and have had two grandbabies miscarry. I fully understand that pain, and was glad to see the evolution of the Mother’s Day service to something that won’t be painful for anyone, and still honor the care that mothers selflessly give.